Things I have learned in the past week

To celebrate my forthcoming return to life as a functional biped, I present you with the following list:

• RICE stands for Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. All things that are recommended if you sprain something. Also, anti-inflammatories are nice.
• When applying an ice pack, 20 minutes on, 10 minutes off, keeping a layer of fabric between the ice and your skin to prevent frostbite.
• There is no graceful way to go up a staircase on one's hands and knees. Especially if the dogs are behind you.
• The youthful joy of bopping down stairs on one's bottom ends after roughly half a day.
• It takes a LOT of muscle to go from kneeling to standing using only one leg.
• After two days, be prepared to apply RICE to the non-injured half of your body.
• There are exactly two comfortable ways to sleep in a recliner. None of which will be comfortable if you are forced to sleep there.
• There is a maximum capacity to pyjama bottoms. It is best not to discover this maximum capacity when there is no chance of exercising for the next week.
• After two days of hopping on one foot, a sports bra may be required. Applying RICE to one's breasts... is generally to be avoided.
• If a sports bra is unavailable, holding an arm under your breasts works. Cupping one's breasts with one's hands only invites unwelcomed comments from husbands.
• One should refrain from consuming any food that in any way causes flatulence when portions of one's house can only be traversed while hopping.
• Especially if one has decided to hop down stairs.